Lessons Learned

 Every few years or so, I rediscover this gem of a blog - this personal time capsule, rife with self-deprecating humor and a cheeky optimism I can only attribute to my rapidly disappearing youth.  It remains a touchstone to a different time, and a different me, and I can't help but be reminded of the writer I once was, and feel pride for these glimpses into my past.  

But I am not that girl anymore.  Time marches on, life can be unmerciful, and so much has changed in the past several years.  

The majority of my work on "The Anti-Stepford" blog and persona occurred just as I turned the corner into my thirties, and while I've always struggled with my mental health and well-being, I was an effervescent, enthusiastic gal who always tried to look for the best - in people and situations - and had faith that good would prevail over evil and that all in all things would Work Out in the End.  Ahh, the stupidity of youth...

Today, I am charging full-throttle into my middle age.  I'll be forty-three come my next birthday, separated from Mr. Anti-Stepford for the past three years and in recovery from Opioid Addiction for the past four.  My Youngling is Not-So-Young - towering over six feet, all gangly arms and legs, nerdy snark and genius IQ peppered with a generous helping of Angst and so stereotypically "Teen" that its almost laughable, and very smelly.

I have a great partner, who has helped me to grow immensely and taught me so much about building and power tools, I can DIY with the best of them, and then some.  He even helped me to build an art studio in our basement, where I've started to flourish creatively.  I'm finding my artistic voice, and developing Darkling Design Studio as a real means to create and make a living. I hope to finally go back to school by the end of the year, to get my degree and finally start living the life I've been too haphazard and undisciplined to seize.  See, the strangest thing has happened... I've come to the point in my life where I realize that I can't blame the world for my shortcomings.  I can no longer justify self-pity, and have found that Honesty (with myself and those in my life) and Accountability serve me far better.  That, coupled with Gratitude and Appreciation, have steered my ship back to calmer waters, hopefully to leave the storms in the past for awhile.

Its been really fucking hard, you guys.  

One of the best things that I've done for myself is to utilize cannabis to live a healthier life.  Though we are no longer on speaking terms, a friend helped me to work through the anxiety and crippling panic attacks marijuana would cause, and I had the most amazing epiphany: I no longer liked the person I was.  SO - I set about changing that - reminding myself all of the things that made me happy, the strengths and talents I possess and dreams I had let wither and die.  

And so I started to love myself again.

And just like any healthy love, it takes work.  And it always will.  

But I can say now, at nearly 43, with pride - I'm doing my best, and investing in myself and my talents - my art, my dancing, my singing - and perhaps most importantly (and finally!)...

My writing.

SO - from here on out, your plucky heroine is changing the name of this blog from "The Anti-Stepford" to "DarklingDesignStudios"... and... well, I make no promises, but we'll see you guys.  We'll see just what I can do.